A Jewish father was very troubled by the way his son turned out and went to see his rabbi about it.
"Rabbi, I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive Bar Mitzvah and it cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he tells me last week, he's decided to be a Christian. Rabbi, where did I go wrong?"
The rabbi strokes his beard and says, "Funny you should come to me. I too, brought up my son as a boy of faith, sent him to university and it cost me a fortune and then one day he comes to me and tells me he wants to be a Christian."
"What did you do?" asked the man of the rabbi.
"I turned to God for the answer," replied the rabbi.
"What did he say?" asked the man.
He said, "Funny you should come to me..."
Jewish jokes
You are now in the Jewish jokes category. Currently, you will find 11 jokes on the subject of Jewish jokes, which we are constantly expanding for you.
A group of five Jewish women are eating lunch in a busy cafe. Nervously, their waiter approaches the table. "Ladies,” he says. "Is anything okay?”
A Jewish man is shipwrecked on a desert island. He’s stuck for years! Using materials from around the island, he builds a house, a store, and a synagogue. Eventually, he’s made a whole neighborhood.
One day, he’s rescued by a passing ship. The sailors help him collect his few possessions and get ready to leave the island forever. Just before they leave, one of the sailors says, "Hey! Why’d you build two synagogues?”
The man rolls his eyes. "This,” he says, pointing at one building, "Is my synagogue.”
"And that,” he says, pointing at the other, "Is the one I would never set foot in!”
One day, he’s rescued by a passing ship. The sailors help him collect his few possessions and get ready to leave the island forever. Just before they leave, one of the sailors says, "Hey! Why’d you build two synagogues?”
The man rolls his eyes. "This,” he says, pointing at one building, "Is my synagogue.”
"And that,” he says, pointing at the other, "Is the one I would never set foot in!”
Three Jewish mothers are sitting on a bench, arguing over which one’s son loves her the most. The first one says, "You know, my son sends me flowers every Shabbos.”
"You call that love?” says the second mother. "My son calls me every day!”
"That’s nothing,” says the third woman. "My son is in therapy five days a week. And the whole time, he talks about me!”
"You call that love?” says the second mother. "My son calls me every day!”
"That’s nothing,” says the third woman. "My son is in therapy five days a week. And the whole time, he talks about me!”
A synagogue has a mice problem. The custodian tries traps, bait, mice, everything. Nothing works. Finally, he goes to the rabbi and explains the problem. "I have the solution,” the rabbi says. "Well, what is it?” says the custodian. "It’s a foolproof plan,” the rabbi says, smiling. "I’ll give them all Bar Mitzvahs — we’ll never see them again!”
A group of people standing on a subway platform — an American, a Russian, and an Israeli. A reporter approaches and says, "Excuse me, can I get your opinion about the meat shortage?”
"What’s a shortage?” says the American.
"What’s meat?” says the Russian.
"What’s excuse me?” says the Israeli.
"What’s a shortage?” says the American.
"What’s meat?” says the Russian.
"What’s excuse me?” says the Israeli.
A rabbi is harboring a secret — she has always wanted to try pork. One night she drives across town to the furthest restaurant from her shul and orders an entire suckling pig. Just as the waiter sets down the full roast pig with an apple in its mouth, she sees a group of her congregants has walked in and is watching her, mouths open. The rabbi widens her eyes, "So nu, what kind of place is this?” she says. "You order an apple and look how it’s served!”
Marilyn Monroe, on being served matzo-ball soup:
"Isn't there any other part of the matzo you can eat?"
"Isn't there any other part of the matzo you can eat?"
Two kids are in a hospital each lying on a stretcher next to each other outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, "what are you in here for?"
The second kid says, "I'm getting my tonsils out. I'm a little nervous."
The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep and when you wake up, they give you lots of jello and ice cream. It's a breeze."
The second kid then asked, "What are you in here for?"
The first kids says, "a circumcision."
The second kid replies, "Whoa, good luck buddy. I had that done when I was born and I couldn't walk for a year."
The second kid says, "I'm getting my tonsils out. I'm a little nervous."
The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep and when you wake up, they give you lots of jello and ice cream. It's a breeze."
The second kid then asked, "What are you in here for?"
The first kids says, "a circumcision."
The second kid replies, "Whoa, good luck buddy. I had that done when I was born and I couldn't walk for a year."
My wife and I did the Jewish divorce custom where we took a broken glass and we put it back together. --Myq Kaplan
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