Lawyer jokes - Page 3
A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: "My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb.” "Well put,” the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant’s arm to one year’s imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses.” The defendant smiled. With his lawyer’s assistance, he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.
A lawyer was so large that, when he died, the undertaker couldn’t find a coffin big enough to hold the body. So, the undertaker gave him an enema and buried him in a shoebox.
A doctor and a lawyer in two cars collided on a country road. The lawyer, seeing that the doctor was a little shaken up, helped him from the car and offered him a drink from his hip flask. The doctor accepted and handed the flask back to the lawyer, who closed it and put it away. "Aren’t you going to have a drink yourself?” asked the doctor. "Sure, after the police leave,” replied the lawyer.
A surgeon, an architect and a lawyer are having a heated pub discussion about which of their professions is actually the oldest.
The surgeon says: "Surgery IS the oldest profession. God took a rib from Adam to create Eve and you can’t go back further than that.” The architect says: "Hold on! In fact, God was the first architect when he created the world out of chaos in 7 days, and you can’t go back any further than THAT!” The lawyer smiles and says: "Gentlemen, Gentlemen, who do you think created the CHAOS??!!”
The surgeon says: "Surgery IS the oldest profession. God took a rib from Adam to create Eve and you can’t go back further than that.” The architect says: "Hold on! In fact, God was the first architect when he created the world out of chaos in 7 days, and you can’t go back any further than THAT!” The lawyer smiles and says: "Gentlemen, Gentlemen, who do you think created the CHAOS??!!”
A man was sent to hell for his sins. As he was being taken to his place of eternal torment, he passed a room where a lawyer was having sex with a beautiful woman. "What a rip-off,” the man muttered. "I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer spends it with that gorgeous woman.” Jabbing the man with his pitchfork, the escorting demon snarled, "Who are you to question that woman’s punishment?”
"I’m beginning to think that my lawyer is too interested in making money.” "Why do you say that?” "Listen to this from his bill: ‘For waking up at night and thinking about your case: $25.'”
Do you know how copper wire was invented?
Two lawyers were fighting over a penny.
Two lawyers were fighting over a penny.
Did you hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers?
It’s called Sosumi.
It’s called Sosumi.
A young lawyer, defending a businessman in a lawsuit, feared he was losing the case and asked his senior partner if he should send a box of cigars to the judge to curry favor. The senior partner was horrified. "A judge is an honorable man,” he said, "If you do that, I guarantee you’ll lose the case!”
Eventually, the judge ruled in the young lawyer's favor. "Aren’t you glad you didn’t send those cigars?” the senior partner asked. "Oh, I did send them,” the younger lawyer replied. "I just enclosed my opponent's business card with them.”
Eventually, the judge ruled in the young lawyer's favor. "Aren’t you glad you didn’t send those cigars?” the senior partner asked. "Oh, I did send them,” the younger lawyer replied. "I just enclosed my opponent's business card with them.”
My lawyer went to a rock concert last night and injured his eardrum. He called me this morning to tell me that he couldn't attend today's hearing.
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