Lawyer jokes - Page 5
A lawyer dies and goes to Heaven. "There must be some mistake," the lawyer argues. "I'm too young to die. I'm only 55." "Fifty-five?" says Saint Peter. "No, according to out calculations, you're 82." "How'd you get that?" the lawyer asks. Answers St. Peter, "We added up your timesheets."
Where do vampires learn to suck blood?
Law school.
Law school.
A man in an interrogation room says, "I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present.” "You are the lawyer,” says the policeman. "Exactly, so where’s my present?” replies the lawyer.
The lawyer's client had to face a death sentence because of his bad execution.
Did you hear about the man who sued an airline company after it mislaid his luggage. Sadly, he lost his case.
One day in Contract Law class, the professor asked one of his better students, "Now if you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?" The student replied, "Here's an orange." The professor was livid. "No! No! Think like a lawyer!"
The student then recited, "Okay, I'd tell him, 'I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, claim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp, and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with and without the pulp, juice, rind, and seeds, anything hereinbefore or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding."
The student then recited, "Okay, I'd tell him, 'I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, claim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp, and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with and without the pulp, juice, rind, and seeds, anything hereinbefore or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding."
Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?
From chasing parked ambulances.
From chasing parked ambulances.
My attorneys have advised me I not yell timber, even if it’s going down.
Why did the law student not win his case?
He had no conviction.
He had no conviction.
My wife accused me of being a terrible lawyer.
I couldn’t defend myself.
I couldn’t defend myself.
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